I Caught You Knockin' At The Cellar Door, "I Love You Baby, Can I Have Some More?" Oh, Oh,The Damage Done.

I think this is going to be the last article that has a title with "love" in it. It was a stupid rule, and I can't even remember the reason I made it up. Half of the things I put up there aren't really about love at all. I struggle to find titles that include the word love, are taken from a song, and have something to do with the topic I write about, even peripherally. Perhaps it is because my life is, in actual fact, not filled with much love. Not that I'm complaining, I just think it's false advertisement.

Like many non-married (and often married) people, I have found clever ways to fill the emptiness. There are others, it seems, who aren't resourceful enough to make up for a lack of love in their lives. It pains me to see so many angsty people across the hallowed pages of the internet. There seems to be an inexhaustible amount of people complaining about how they want a girl/boyfriend, kids, or whatever to make them less lonely. Obviously these are people who desperately need something filled in their lives. Never one to abide such misery, I have carefully prepared a list of things you can fill the loveless hole in your life with.

Learning a new skill

I hear some people do something called enriching their lives if they feel there's a hole in it. I don't know exactly how it works, but I hear learning to play piano or taking up painting might be involved. Call me crazy, but it sounds a little sketchy to me.

Food

If you don't mind putting on a few (dozen) pounds, this is probably what you're looking for. The only real risks are long-term health problems, but who cares about the future you? I think we already know the answer to that, and it's the reason you started eating so much in the first place.

Material Possessions

Are you 35 and without kids? Buy some new golf clubs.

Are you an angsty teenager who just broke up with his girlfriend? Buy yourself some puffy, jackass-looking shoes.

Case closed.

Pets

Other than the fact that they smell bad and eat your food while giving nothing in return, some people seem to think that pets are pretty good companions. Unfortunately, people often tend to go overboard and get a vast army of animals. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being an old spinster with 10 cats, but I'd rather take the next one.....

Binge Drinking

There is nothing wrong with excesses in my books. If you can fill that great big pit in your heart, more power to you. If you drink to the point where you're dry heaving, you're simply throwing up the lonely. It's there, even though you can't see it. If you stop, that means you need to be drinking more.

Sex

Just because you don't have anyone who loves you doesn't mean you can't have meaningless sex! Just keep doing it, searching for that feeling that you're sure you experienced at one point. If you fail to feel it, you just aren't fucking often enough.

Exercise

God forbid you take up jogging, right?

TV/Internet/Video Games/Music/Movies/Comics/Wanton Nerditry

Are you saying you're too good for video games, punk? That's my damned livelihood. I demand you all go out and spend fortunes on DVDS, CDs, games, books, and the like. Saturate yourself with media until you've forgotten what the real life is actually like, and spend all day having online arguments about the believability of Star Trek.

Drug Addiction

We're getting into dangerous territory, and I see no reason to stop at the valley of the needle of death. There are a lot of people out there doing a lot of drugs, so there must be something to it. Well, other than the horribly addicting properties of substance abuse.

Blogs

What a vile way to fill you spare time! I'm sorry; I shouldn't have even mentioned this one.



Now that you're done filling your miserable life with diversions, you'll have no reason to come back here. You'll be too busy snorting coke off of a bathroom sink or watching your The OC season 2 DVD with a big bag of chips to possibly want to read any of the garbage I have to say. I'll miss you all, farewell! I have some drinking to do and some pets to purchase now.